STRANGE THINGS GOING ON TODAY

Its been a weird day and it isn't over yet, The first thing I encounterd was unbelievable, As I was going around the Roundabout I met a Car coming towards me. What that was all about is anybody's guess he mounted the Roundabot when he saw me approaching and just stared straight ahead didn't even aknowledge me god only knows what he was thinking. I didn't even rise to his stupidity and carried on. The next thing I saw i found particualy strange a Horse walking around a field backwards it looked realy odd, My passenger and I looked at each other and started to laugh we just couldnt believe what we were seeing, The next thing I saw was realy cool, a dog carrying its owners shopping for them in a good old Tesco bag I doubt I could get my Dog to do the same.

Overhearing a conversation this morning a girl is realy annoyed at her boyfriend he keeps her awake at night drinking with his mates while she is trying to get some sleep before work (shes also pregnant). At the end of her patience she pours her urine sample in his whiskey and happily watches him and his mates drink it before going back to bed. Never get between a women and her sleep!

NOT A GOOD START TO THE DAY

What a horrible Morning I have had Today although I can laugh at the situation now believe me I didn't at the time. Far from it.

I wanted to get an early start this Morning so I could get an early finish but it didn't go to plan. I was about to get into the car at about 6:30 and out of the corner of my Eye I notice a flat Tyre, Fantastic time to get dirty, I got straight into the task at hand no point in moaning these things happen from time to time. I went to lossen the Wheel Nuts would they move would they hell, I was doing the old trick of standing on the Wheel Brace bouncing up and down still no movement. Why do people inssist on tightening these Nuts up to the point of which is humanly possible? what is the point there is just no need for it. Luckily for me I have an old Scaffold Pole in my Shed which came in handy today for the extra leverage it's a good job I was outside my House because I could have been realy stuck.

Job done I was about to clear up my Tools when I noticed a distinct smell in the air, Alarmed I quickly looked down to see the Brown tell tale signs. It was on my shoes, my Tools and Hands! Dog Shi* everywhere. I started to bork how I wasn't sick I just do not know. After I had managed to get cleaned up It was 8:00 before I got to work. What a bloody Day.

I would like to say thanks to my Wife for cleaning the Crap of my Shoes.

CONKERS

What ever happened to the game of conkers? Nobody seems to play it anymore is it down to the pc brigade banning it in schools or making children wear saftey goggles? You dont even see Children playing the age old game outside of Schools. I think its a shame, My other half thinks im old fashioned. When I was a child and september came that was it the conkers would be out in force. Come break time the Playground would be awash with Conker players all in competition to have the Conker with the most kills. These games would continue on the way home from School with a very slow walk. Sometimes it would take ages to get home and Mother would want to know were the hell you had been. There would be evidence of these matches all around especialy in the Playground the remains of broken Conkers all around troden into the Ground. We used to have ways of making the Conker harder such as baking them, Painting them in Nail Varnish, Soaking them in vinegar, Keeping them in the airing Cupboard or just using and old champion from a previous Year. I used to take My Children to the A6 near Kendal to collect them as they were numerous with many a Carrier Bag coming Home plenty to go around and no doubt used for trading for Football stickers or Sweets. My Son wasn't intrested this year nobody bothers anymore he said . Well it looks like we have lost another good old English tradition and I think it's sad.

Here is a link if you don't know what its all about http://www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/customs/conkers.html

FLOWER POWER

Driving through Town today my Fare remarked how the Flowers around Town looked realy nice and how they brightened the place up, I had to agree with her they do, Its probably the only positive thing the Council have actualy managed to do for this Town everything thing else they do seems to be a joke to be honnest. Anyway I just couldn't help Myself, I told her they weren't real and they are infact Plastic even the ones on the Roundabouts. Realy? Yes its all down to health and safety you know! She now looked at me with a confused expresion. So I explained to her that due to a new EU rule people were now free to sue the council if they suffered from Hayfever. I suffer from Hayfever she says. No win no fee love no win no fee! I could tell that this had her thinking, Wonder if she trys to follow it up lol, One born every minuete. Mind you the way things are I wouldn't be surprised if some lawyer said there is a case, Well you know how things are these days.

Passenger taps His Taxi Driver on the Shoulder. The Driver S***s Himself, swerves, Nearly hits a Bus and stops inches from a Shop Window.
"Jesus your jumpy arent you? I only tapped your Shoulder" says the Passenger.
"Sorry" says the Cabbie
"Its my first Day. Ive been Driving a bloody Hearse for the last 20 years!!"

SLOW MOOO VING TRAFFIC

Driving down rating lane this morning traffic was slower than usual was there an accident I asked myself as im cursing the cars in front. No some clown had let some cows out of a field and everyone was having to carefuly get around them. This prank could have caused an accident and financial loss to the farm. I found the farm and knocked on the door great no answer, So I wandered around the yard until I eventualy found somebody to sort the problem out. I found it surprising that nobody else had bothered before me. They were probably to self induldged in there own mundane routine to take five minuetes out of there time to help.

I DONT MIND HELPING BUT....

I dont mind helping you load your shoping into the boot but don't just stand there talking on your phone while I do it all. This happened the other day I thought she would finish her call and help. Nope she would have let me do it all, halfway through I just got back in my car and waited until she realised that no one was doing her work for her. Some people are realy rude.

MY SPIDER SCENCES ARE TINGLING TIME TO LEAVE

Driving back into town last night after a no show in Ulverston feeling a bit pissed off I was offerd a job in Dalton. All was not lost at least I wouldnt be going back empty. The job was at Chequres Hotel so it was probably a wedding do or birthday party not the best place to pick up from they usualy take ages to come out if at all but id give it a shot and take it as a Cigarete break to give them the extra time it usualy takes them to get a move on.

As i pulled up into the Car Park it was more busy than usual. BANG! the lad hit the floor. I sat there watching waiting for the victim to return to his feet but no movement ten seconds passed still no movement. This lad was spark out. It seemed safe enough for me to get out and make sure he was ok, Its not the first time ive had to do this and I hate doing it in volitile enviroments. The usual crack melodramatic women full of drink making matters worse from what i could gather this was the start of the incident also. The lad was a bit bloody but coming around no need for my further attention so I retreated to my car an ambulance arived. It looked like it was going to kick of again as one buy one men came out of the building sruting like ape like creatures and women doing the usual gobbing off some made their way towards me obviously wound up and wanting to leave whilst the bride is running around with a cigarete hanging from her mouth (classy bird).

My spider scences started tingling there was no way I was being draged into this crap it was time to leave. Infact I just went home.

ANTI BODY ODOUR WARFARE

You meet some right smelly ba****ds in this job! The great unwashed, what is wrong with these people? Some of them are that bad if they bathed in s**t it would actualy tone the smell down. Then you get the one's that know they stink and try to mask it with deoderant. I dont know if this smells worse or not. I simpily cant explain what its like to be in a cab with these people there realy is no words to describe it. You get to know the great unwashed by adress or name and avoid them but sometimes you get caught out. There is actualy a family in this town that every shop keeper, cabbie ,bus driver even joe public know they are a local legend written into history for evermore all because of there oudor de naturel.

I remember getting a job one night and the Driver I was talking to started laughing and passed me a can of air freshener. Oh great do I let somebody else do it? Well it was a quiet night and I needed the Money, So I decided to bite the Bullet and crack on. I pulled into the Street and put my Window down. It was raining so I was going to get wet as well, I then give the car a generous spraying of air freshener and put the heater on full, well it was a winters night I was going to get wet and my nose burnt but I didn't want to be cold aswell. All this for a couple of pounds!

If only I'd payed attention, I wouldn't have felt so embarased. I had managed by sheer luck (or bad luck) to have done this outside my fare's house and they were stood on the Doorstep watching me go through my little routine of anti body oudor warfare. I made excuses of my last fare being a little smelly but I just had this gut feeling they didn't believe me. From that Day onwards I have always done my little routine around the cornner.

DOG ATTACK

My fare got in the Cab I took one look at her bandaged arm "Hospital love ?" good gues. She told me that yesterday a Staffy had been set on her by a neighbour that had a grudge. It had tore her arm and hand to bits, She was pulled to the floor and draged up the street. The owner was shouting to her that when her husband comes out of the house he will get the dog of her (probably to set the dog on him also I think). This attack I was told lasted about 10 minuets, with half the street out watching. Were they to scared to help or just didnt want to get involved?



Eventualy lucky for her a man came out to her rescue, He grabbed the dog by its back legs and pulled them apart. The staffy would not let go until the point were he would have broke its legs and pulled its rib cage apart!. He managed to get the dog off after these extreme measures and would you believe it, It only took the police 45 minuetes to arive! what a joke they are.



This dog is known to the police it has had 8 reports against it. It is also not alowed out without a muzzle. It is now in kennals until the court case as the dog is inocent until proven guilty lol, and to add insult to injury he is denying ownership of the dog.

I KNOW A SONG THAT WILL GET ON YOUR NERVES

I pulled up outside the house with my window down and a child ran over to me an started singing that old song "I know a song that will get on your nerves", She was right in my face over and over it went well and truely geting on my nerves. I wasn't going to rise to this after all it is only a child and of course her parents when they arive will shut her up probably more sick and tired of hearing this song than I already am.

Well it amazes me how some people can just switch off. She sang that song the whole dam journey exepet for a change in song to the wheels on the bus go round and round as loud as she could and still no reaction from mother. I went home after that job for a well deserved coffee and numerous cigaretes.

CRB

Well there has been nothing of intrest to blog about lately. Work has been quiet and very boring to be honest. Glad the kids are back at School work should hopefuly start picking up a bit in the run up to christmas, yes its nearly that time of year again! This week I have to do my crb (police check) these have to be done every 3 years which is a good thing as it helps to keep undesierables out of the job in my opinion they should be done every year although I dont like paying for it at £36 a go. On the safety issue I also think that cctv should be compulsery in cabs it provides peace of mind for both Driver and Passenger. These things are expensive though maybe the council or goverment should provide grants for them.

ANOTHER BREAKDOWN

Well I think I spoke to soon when I got My Car back from the Garage I thought it would be a while until the next time., but no the wonders of machinery. Last Saturday I came to work as usual only for my steering to fail. Great more down time and lost rank work on a super sunday which is double time. Managed to get a spare car of the firm again so at least I was still earning.

MMMM NICE BEAVER

As the Lady left the Hairdresers a gust of wind caught her dress up it went no knickers mmm nice! I sat there laughing at her frantic atempts to get it back down, she turned around to hide her modesty, the back then goes up more screams,mmm nice arse, turns around...more beaver more screams this happend over and over. After I'd popped my eyes back into there sockets I helped the blushing girl to the car. As she was getting out of ther car I couldn't help say "nice arse by the way" she smilled her husband kind of growled somthing. Ill never look at her in the same way again.

MY GIRO HASN'T COME

My fare was on His Mobile half way through the journey "Has my giro come mum? "....... "oh great ive got no money mum!"........"ill phone to see if its come tommorow" hangs up.

FARE "I aint got no money mate!
I stop the car
ME "How you going to pay then"
FARE "I cant mate"......."but is there any chance you can take me back home though?"
ME "nope get out and walk"

what a dick head

DRUGGIES

If the Police want to crack down on the Drug dealers/users they wouldn't go far wrong if they went undercover as a Taxi Driver (perhaps they do I dont know). They seem to be our most loyal Customers. They could gather untold amount of information on this scum of our scociety. Just think about it, they get in taxi's up and down the country and they couldnt care less about talking openly about whatever there upto or even the fact that they are openly going to users and dealers homes. It wouldnt take long to build up a profile of evidence against them. Sometimes they try and talk in code with slang but it aint exactly hard to work out is it! We reguarly pick up these people doing their little drug runs. Its realy annoying when your out here fighting for work trying to scrape a living when out comes a wad of £20 notes to pay the fare. In the past I have found Drugs on the back seat what if a child passenger managed to eat an "E"! My children have been told about the dangers of things left in my car and if I remember I check the car at the end of my shift. Winning the War on Drugs I dont think so!

ILLEGAL RANKING

Just recieved a letter of the taxi licensing officer.

"I have now received several complaints from both Hackney Carriage Drivers and Private Hire Drivers ranking illegaly outside the Hot Potato on William Street. I f this continues to happen, random night time checks will be carried out through the week, including weekends.

Any driver found to be illegaly parking or attempting to park in this area on William Street, or illegaly parking on Cavindish Street will face enforcement action.

However I hope the above formality will not be necessary and illegal ranking and parking will stop with immediate effect"

Well this has gone on for as long as I can remember and were talking right back to my youth before I even thought about Taxi Driving. I honestly cant see the problem and I am not being biased. Ive only been a Hackney Driver for one year before this I was Private Hire and there is plenty of work for all to be had. I must admit I have been guilty of this in the past I didnt know it was illegal because eveyone has been doing it for years. I cant see it stoping and no doubt the officer from the town hall will be out doing his checks. Just another hastle we dont need so I will be staying away. I think its about time we had a rank in Cavindish Street there is definetly the need for one as the one on Cornwalis Street goes on for Miles.

BACK ON THE ROAD

Just got my Car back from the Garage and it wasn't cheap. New springs, Sub frame out and new bushes, New brake disks and brake pads, New airflow meter , New tyre and a full service. So this should be running with no problems for a good while I hope. The thing thats realy strange is coming from a six seater to a car I feel like im driving around on my arse. It wont take long before im used to it again but ill have to take it easy until the brakes have beded in.

CAN I PAY YOU WITH THIS

Droped a girl of at six form college not to long back she explained to me that she was skint. I know the feeling! She asked me if she could pay with this or would I prefer a £5 note. I decided to take the coin although they were mass produced for the millenium. Nobody uses them and I have never even seen one. I decided to keep this coin as its the year my son was born.

CAN WE GO TO TH FAIR DAD

"No because its crap kids!" I dont know if I was seeing things through diffrent eyes when I was a child. Somebody older will have to tell me, but I remember when the fairground came to town it used to be in the public park. I always remember it being realy big with plenty of rides and stalls with lots of people coming to enjoy the day. Now though its been relocated well out of the way at a remote part of walney island. The further away the better to be honnest. Its just not the same, all you get is loads of chavs hanging around drinking and swearing and the fair dont look much better eaither. I don't know how these people are managing to make the running costs never mind a living. I definetly wont be spending anytime there id rather save up an take my children to blackpool.

BACK SEAT DRIVER

I got a Taxi myself yesterday somthing I dont do very often. I wanted to go to the george on Walney island with my Family for a christening party. A new driver turned up for us she said shes only been doing the job for two months and if I knew a quicker way to let her know. Now I couldn't care less which way she took me to be honest we all have to start somewere and I remember what it was like when I first started this job. I used to hate picking up other drivers incase I made an arse of myself. As we crossed walney bridge she drove straight across at the lights I said you have gone the wrong way to which both my wife and the driver looked at me in one of those ways that means what the hell are you talking about you thicko! I then realised my mistake and the driver was going to the correct pub. Dont you just love back seat drivers I should have just kept my mouth shut. I think I will in future.

TEMPTING FATE

Somtimes you get people geguinly intrested in your job the just plain nosey, or the ones that use it as a way of starting a bit of banter. It always ends up in the same statement of "I couldn't do your job people being sick in your car". Now im not superstitious but after ive explained its never happened to me I always say "Touch wood" Out aloud! and thank them for probably jinxing my night.

Last night wasn't particualy busier than any other saturday night and i was hitting my average hourly rate. Sometimes tho if your lucky you can make in one hour which would normaly take you about five hours, It dosn't happen very often, but last night was the night I fell lucky! The last of these jobs which was giving me a good boost was a six seater job from one of the vilages on the outskirts of Barrow. As soon as I pulled up two people sprung from the car like a coiled spring and started being sick. Thank god it wasnt in the car. They started blaming me, Yeagh right its all my fault and nothing to do with all them aftershocks they said they'd downed before we left. I must say I felt realy guilty taking the fare of them as they were protesting id made them ill, I think not.

WAITING TIME THE MIRICALE CURE

Theres a lady ive been picking up for quite a while and she has a lot of trouble walking, She takes ages geting to the car with the aid of a walking stick. I always get out of the cab grab an arm and help her along ive done this in all weather and more than once been soacked to the bone but this dos'nt bother me at all, It's a nice feeling to think that iv'e helped someone less fortunate than myself even if it's only somthing as simple as this. Halfway through the journey she said she wanted to stop of at morrisons for a couple of things and didn't want to phone for another taxi and would I wait? No problem to me. She asked how much the waiting time would be. 20p a minute was my reply, She was happy with this. When we got there to my amazement she got out of the cab without her sticks and ran. I say ran loosely it was more like a sprint for a women of her age I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was back to the cab in no time at all as she threw herself into the seat looking at the meter to see what it had clocked. The cheeck of it! All the times I have helped this lady when its clearly not needed. Its like stealing of charity in my mind. I didnt move out of my seat when got to the end and I havn't ever scince. I wonder how many more abuse other peoples kindnes?

NOT TONIGHT SON

A while back i was working the rank outside Barrows new nightclub Club M. Well there's no such thing as a dress code in this town, Up until now that is. The new owners want to make it a bit more up market. Fairplay to them I say. As I sat patiently waiting for a fare I watched yet another potential customer get turned away for wearing Trainers, Nothing unusal there then. What I saw next was unbelievable, No it was genius! The guy casualy walked around the corner took his black Socks off and put them over his Trainers and rejoined the que. The bouncers didn't notice a thing (or smell for that matter) best laugh of the night. Brings a new meaning to improvise adapt and overcome.

HYPER ACTIVE

When im working a long shift or late at weekends I usualy have a couple of energy drinks like red bull or red rooster. Im quite sensitive to caffine and these do the trick nicely althogh i find it hard to wind down when i get home. I came accross this new one in the local off licence and thought id give it a go. Now this thing is tiny so it must be potent and also has the added bonus that you wont be needing the toilet every two minuetes. Potent to bloody right it was for someone who is sensitive to caffine. My skin turned red and i was burning all over this was only after a few minuets after drinking it. I picked the bottle back up to see what the hell is in this thing. Apparantely these symptoms are normal and only last a few minuets somthing to do with niacin so it said on the bottle. I Spent the next hour or so grinding my teeth tapping my foot and having heart palpitations. The caffine content to ml of liquid is the same as having 5 red bulls! Well i worked through the night no probs so at least i got my moneys worth

SPEED BUMPS PART 2

Well they have finaly knackerd my car. Not only have my Subframe Bushes gone but i also managed to snap a Suspension Spring, and I slow down for these things. So the Car is in the Garage waiting to be fixed. Fortunatly ive managed to get a spare car so at least im still earning. Unfortunatly I miss out on my rank work and the car im in is a six seater. Whats wrong with that? Well nothing realy its probably just me because you have to have the patience of a saint when there is more passengers in the car, especialy when its women. They just wont leave you alone from start to finish! I gets extremely noisy in the cab as they all crave your attention. Everyone of them wants to talk to you at the same time and wont stop pestering you, They all love the driver. Ive sort of managed a cure for this I say sort of. I put some loud music on some girly crap like girls aloud now i cant stand this music and the volume increases but as they sing along and the old cab rocks from side to side at least there leaving me alone to do my job plus sometimes it gets me a tip, and to put up with that lot i deserve it.

I think i need a new map

I think i need a new map its realy frustraiting to use now!
Sod buying a new one there's a credit crunch on you know! A bit of sticky backed plastic and hey its like new ill get another 12 months out of this one you know just think of the saving LOL

Where has my passenger gone?

When youv'e been doing this job a while you learn how to read people and know when to pull off before they get in the car unfortunatly you have to learn this by experience which is sometimes intimidating and stressful but you have to handle the situation the best you can. There are a couple of pubs in town that im always ready to pull of from as im mentaly reading the punter approaching my cab its much easier for me to do this than to put myself in a situation where I have to suffer abuse and maybe confruntation as I remove them from my car. Unfortunatly sometimes they slip through the net but not very often. I remember one night I got a job on walney Island from some house party. Now id watched her approch the car and she was fine she said she wanted to go to holbeck which is a good fare especialy after midnight so of I went. When I arrived at the address I asked her for the fare and waited this was taking sometime which is quite usual when people have had a couple. I looked in my mirror thats strange! as I rapidly turned to look behined where the hell is she. Not on the seat thats for sure but on the floor. My god here we go. I shouted at her and gave a couple of prods to her arm nothing MY GOD SHES DEAD! I checked that she was breathing she was, WHAT A RELIEF! Well what do I do now? Only one option find a police officer they can deal with it so back to town I trot meter ticking away am I going to get payed I doubt it.When I found a police officer they couldnt wake her either at this point im looking at the town hall clock great all this money im loosing. They were about to get an ambulance to our surprise she wakes up I dont want to take her no further incase it happens again and the meter had clocked up a good £25 by now which I want paying, before id even got her back to holbeck. Sometimes you have to look on the funny side and agread to get her home for £15 I made sure she stayed awake the rest of the journey.

Im forever blowing bubbles

There is a new office block in my town well i say new its been here a while now but the council just cant find anyone to ocupy it. Anyway they have a number of water fountains outside .Its quite funny when i pull up at the trafic lights next to the fountains and there is young children running through them and standing on them getting competely soacked obviously have a fun time, but just down the road in the bus stop is mother franticaly shouting at her children.The funniest thing i saw at these fountains was what some local chav's had done. They had poured some detergant into the fountains and hey presto barrows own foam party. Im going to have to get a camera so i can post some pics

unbelievable parenting

I realy cant believe some of the things i hear and see in this job.Now no one is perfect but isnt it a natural instinct as a parent to protect your chidren from harm you would certainly think so.This isnt the usual gripe of parents with the pushchair on the road while they stand saftley on the pavement waiting to cross or the other stupid action of putting children in and out of the car on the roadside instead of the pavement (cars have doors on both sides incase you dindnt know dohhh).What happened today was f###### unbelieveable. As i dropped my fare of and started to help the lady unload her shopping she left her child about 18 months old to wander around on the pavement and this was a realy busy road too while she messed about with her shopping, the child then wandered onto the road but instead of putting her shopping down and running to get her child like instinct would tell you to do she just called get off the road this child was too young to respond to orders like that and cars were getting nearer so i dropped her shopping and ran to retrieve the child who had now brought traffic to a standstill. She didnt bat an eyelid as i stood with her child in my arms an casualy carried on unloading her shopping.I was that mad and shocked i couldnt say a word,and if i did would she have listened you tell me

Speed bumps

Do we realy need so many they seem to be sprouting up everywhere and in all the wrong places.I have no problem with the old sleeping policemen in the right places such as outside schools,playgrounds etc but where i live they even have them in coldisacs were youd struggle to get out of first gear never mind second.I my job i can do anything between 500 to 1000 miles in a week around a relatively small town and it dont do my car or my bones any good whatsoever.These things only slow down average joe like you and me the idiots about seem to use them as ramps

The envelope

I droped of my fare and looked at my data head and there was plenty of work to be had up town,Half way there the operator contacted me on the radio and asked me if my last customer had left an envelope in the car.I had a quick look around and found it....empty.Great im going to have to travel back through town to drop off an empty brown envelope during rush hour too.When i got there he gave me some money for my trouble so i mentioned it was strange him paying another taxi fare just for an envelope thats worth a couple of pence.He said it wasnt empty and i thought great hes going to say ive took the contents.He then pulls out a 20p piece and says nope its still there.Im then thinking this guy is either nuts or taking the piss until he shows me the coin apparently the royal mint have made a load of 20p that have no date on them and coin cllectors are paying good money for them.This particular coin had just been sold on ebay for £150.I quickly pulled up around the corner and started going through my float at the speed of 1000 racing snakes well you never know do you!!

Road kill pie

sometimes i just cant help having a having a joke with my customers.Today i picked up a mother and daughter and half way through the journey a young seagul swooped infront of my cab the girl in the back started to scream and when i looked in my rear view mirror she had coverd her eyes and was repeating over and over have you killed it.Well this was my cue for some light hearted mischief.I told the girl that it was fine but if i had killed it i would have kept it for my road kill pie.Road kill pie what is that she asked as i saw a smirk apear on her mothers face.I then explained to the girl that any dead animals that i find on the road i keep them and bake a pie for my family,Well you can imagine the reaction to that for the next few minuets i was lectuered on all things cute and fluffy.So i told her that when i eat my tea i like to know that it used to have a face.she was not impressed at all when her mother tipped me.