MMMM NICE BEAVER

As the Lady left the Hairdresers a gust of wind caught her dress up it went no knickers mmm nice! I sat there laughing at her frantic atempts to get it back down, she turned around to hide her modesty, the back then goes up more screams,mmm nice arse, turns around...more beaver more screams this happend over and over. After I'd popped my eyes back into there sockets I helped the blushing girl to the car. As she was getting out of ther car I couldn't help say "nice arse by the way" she smilled her husband kind of growled somthing. Ill never look at her in the same way again.

MY GIRO HASN'T COME

My fare was on His Mobile half way through the journey "Has my giro come mum? "....... "oh great ive got no money mum!"........"ill phone to see if its come tommorow" hangs up.

FARE "I aint got no money mate!
I stop the car
ME "How you going to pay then"
FARE "I cant mate"......."but is there any chance you can take me back home though?"
ME "nope get out and walk"

what a dick head

DRUGGIES

If the Police want to crack down on the Drug dealers/users they wouldn't go far wrong if they went undercover as a Taxi Driver (perhaps they do I dont know). They seem to be our most loyal Customers. They could gather untold amount of information on this scum of our scociety. Just think about it, they get in taxi's up and down the country and they couldnt care less about talking openly about whatever there upto or even the fact that they are openly going to users and dealers homes. It wouldnt take long to build up a profile of evidence against them. Sometimes they try and talk in code with slang but it aint exactly hard to work out is it! We reguarly pick up these people doing their little drug runs. Its realy annoying when your out here fighting for work trying to scrape a living when out comes a wad of £20 notes to pay the fare. In the past I have found Drugs on the back seat what if a child passenger managed to eat an "E"! My children have been told about the dangers of things left in my car and if I remember I check the car at the end of my shift. Winning the War on Drugs I dont think so!

ILLEGAL RANKING

Just recieved a letter of the taxi licensing officer.

"I have now received several complaints from both Hackney Carriage Drivers and Private Hire Drivers ranking illegaly outside the Hot Potato on William Street. I f this continues to happen, random night time checks will be carried out through the week, including weekends.

Any driver found to be illegaly parking or attempting to park in this area on William Street, or illegaly parking on Cavindish Street will face enforcement action.

However I hope the above formality will not be necessary and illegal ranking and parking will stop with immediate effect"

Well this has gone on for as long as I can remember and were talking right back to my youth before I even thought about Taxi Driving. I honestly cant see the problem and I am not being biased. Ive only been a Hackney Driver for one year before this I was Private Hire and there is plenty of work for all to be had. I must admit I have been guilty of this in the past I didnt know it was illegal because eveyone has been doing it for years. I cant see it stoping and no doubt the officer from the town hall will be out doing his checks. Just another hastle we dont need so I will be staying away. I think its about time we had a rank in Cavindish Street there is definetly the need for one as the one on Cornwalis Street goes on for Miles.

BACK ON THE ROAD

Just got my Car back from the Garage and it wasn't cheap. New springs, Sub frame out and new bushes, New brake disks and brake pads, New airflow meter , New tyre and a full service. So this should be running with no problems for a good while I hope. The thing thats realy strange is coming from a six seater to a car I feel like im driving around on my arse. It wont take long before im used to it again but ill have to take it easy until the brakes have beded in.

CAN I PAY YOU WITH THIS

Droped a girl of at six form college not to long back she explained to me that she was skint. I know the feeling! She asked me if she could pay with this or would I prefer a £5 note. I decided to take the coin although they were mass produced for the millenium. Nobody uses them and I have never even seen one. I decided to keep this coin as its the year my son was born.

CAN WE GO TO TH FAIR DAD

"No because its crap kids!" I dont know if I was seeing things through diffrent eyes when I was a child. Somebody older will have to tell me, but I remember when the fairground came to town it used to be in the public park. I always remember it being realy big with plenty of rides and stalls with lots of people coming to enjoy the day. Now though its been relocated well out of the way at a remote part of walney island. The further away the better to be honnest. Its just not the same, all you get is loads of chavs hanging around drinking and swearing and the fair dont look much better eaither. I don't know how these people are managing to make the running costs never mind a living. I definetly wont be spending anytime there id rather save up an take my children to blackpool.

BACK SEAT DRIVER

I got a Taxi myself yesterday somthing I dont do very often. I wanted to go to the george on Walney island with my Family for a christening party. A new driver turned up for us she said shes only been doing the job for two months and if I knew a quicker way to let her know. Now I couldn't care less which way she took me to be honest we all have to start somewere and I remember what it was like when I first started this job. I used to hate picking up other drivers incase I made an arse of myself. As we crossed walney bridge she drove straight across at the lights I said you have gone the wrong way to which both my wife and the driver looked at me in one of those ways that means what the hell are you talking about you thicko! I then realised my mistake and the driver was going to the correct pub. Dont you just love back seat drivers I should have just kept my mouth shut. I think I will in future.

TEMPTING FATE

Somtimes you get people geguinly intrested in your job the just plain nosey, or the ones that use it as a way of starting a bit of banter. It always ends up in the same statement of "I couldn't do your job people being sick in your car". Now im not superstitious but after ive explained its never happened to me I always say "Touch wood" Out aloud! and thank them for probably jinxing my night.

Last night wasn't particualy busier than any other saturday night and i was hitting my average hourly rate. Sometimes tho if your lucky you can make in one hour which would normaly take you about five hours, It dosn't happen very often, but last night was the night I fell lucky! The last of these jobs which was giving me a good boost was a six seater job from one of the vilages on the outskirts of Barrow. As soon as I pulled up two people sprung from the car like a coiled spring and started being sick. Thank god it wasnt in the car. They started blaming me, Yeagh right its all my fault and nothing to do with all them aftershocks they said they'd downed before we left. I must say I felt realy guilty taking the fare of them as they were protesting id made them ill, I think not.

WAITING TIME THE MIRICALE CURE

Theres a lady ive been picking up for quite a while and she has a lot of trouble walking, She takes ages geting to the car with the aid of a walking stick. I always get out of the cab grab an arm and help her along ive done this in all weather and more than once been soacked to the bone but this dos'nt bother me at all, It's a nice feeling to think that iv'e helped someone less fortunate than myself even if it's only somthing as simple as this. Halfway through the journey she said she wanted to stop of at morrisons for a couple of things and didn't want to phone for another taxi and would I wait? No problem to me. She asked how much the waiting time would be. 20p a minute was my reply, She was happy with this. When we got there to my amazement she got out of the cab without her sticks and ran. I say ran loosely it was more like a sprint for a women of her age I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was back to the cab in no time at all as she threw herself into the seat looking at the meter to see what it had clocked. The cheeck of it! All the times I have helped this lady when its clearly not needed. Its like stealing of charity in my mind. I didnt move out of my seat when got to the end and I havn't ever scince. I wonder how many more abuse other peoples kindnes?

NOT TONIGHT SON

A while back i was working the rank outside Barrows new nightclub Club M. Well there's no such thing as a dress code in this town, Up until now that is. The new owners want to make it a bit more up market. Fairplay to them I say. As I sat patiently waiting for a fare I watched yet another potential customer get turned away for wearing Trainers, Nothing unusal there then. What I saw next was unbelievable, No it was genius! The guy casualy walked around the corner took his black Socks off and put them over his Trainers and rejoined the que. The bouncers didn't notice a thing (or smell for that matter) best laugh of the night. Brings a new meaning to improvise adapt and overcome.

HYPER ACTIVE

When im working a long shift or late at weekends I usualy have a couple of energy drinks like red bull or red rooster. Im quite sensitive to caffine and these do the trick nicely althogh i find it hard to wind down when i get home. I came accross this new one in the local off licence and thought id give it a go. Now this thing is tiny so it must be potent and also has the added bonus that you wont be needing the toilet every two minuetes. Potent to bloody right it was for someone who is sensitive to caffine. My skin turned red and i was burning all over this was only after a few minuets after drinking it. I picked the bottle back up to see what the hell is in this thing. Apparantely these symptoms are normal and only last a few minuets somthing to do with niacin so it said on the bottle. I Spent the next hour or so grinding my teeth tapping my foot and having heart palpitations. The caffine content to ml of liquid is the same as having 5 red bulls! Well i worked through the night no probs so at least i got my moneys worth

SPEED BUMPS PART 2

Well they have finaly knackerd my car. Not only have my Subframe Bushes gone but i also managed to snap a Suspension Spring, and I slow down for these things. So the Car is in the Garage waiting to be fixed. Fortunatly ive managed to get a spare car so at least im still earning. Unfortunatly I miss out on my rank work and the car im in is a six seater. Whats wrong with that? Well nothing realy its probably just me because you have to have the patience of a saint when there is more passengers in the car, especialy when its women. They just wont leave you alone from start to finish! I gets extremely noisy in the cab as they all crave your attention. Everyone of them wants to talk to you at the same time and wont stop pestering you, They all love the driver. Ive sort of managed a cure for this I say sort of. I put some loud music on some girly crap like girls aloud now i cant stand this music and the volume increases but as they sing along and the old cab rocks from side to side at least there leaving me alone to do my job plus sometimes it gets me a tip, and to put up with that lot i deserve it.

I think i need a new map

I think i need a new map its realy frustraiting to use now!
Sod buying a new one there's a credit crunch on you know! A bit of sticky backed plastic and hey its like new ill get another 12 months out of this one you know just think of the saving LOL

Where has my passenger gone?

When youv'e been doing this job a while you learn how to read people and know when to pull off before they get in the car unfortunatly you have to learn this by experience which is sometimes intimidating and stressful but you have to handle the situation the best you can. There are a couple of pubs in town that im always ready to pull of from as im mentaly reading the punter approaching my cab its much easier for me to do this than to put myself in a situation where I have to suffer abuse and maybe confruntation as I remove them from my car. Unfortunatly sometimes they slip through the net but not very often. I remember one night I got a job on walney Island from some house party. Now id watched her approch the car and she was fine she said she wanted to go to holbeck which is a good fare especialy after midnight so of I went. When I arrived at the address I asked her for the fare and waited this was taking sometime which is quite usual when people have had a couple. I looked in my mirror thats strange! as I rapidly turned to look behined where the hell is she. Not on the seat thats for sure but on the floor. My god here we go. I shouted at her and gave a couple of prods to her arm nothing MY GOD SHES DEAD! I checked that she was breathing she was, WHAT A RELIEF! Well what do I do now? Only one option find a police officer they can deal with it so back to town I trot meter ticking away am I going to get payed I doubt it.When I found a police officer they couldnt wake her either at this point im looking at the town hall clock great all this money im loosing. They were about to get an ambulance to our surprise she wakes up I dont want to take her no further incase it happens again and the meter had clocked up a good £25 by now which I want paying, before id even got her back to holbeck. Sometimes you have to look on the funny side and agread to get her home for £15 I made sure she stayed awake the rest of the journey.

Im forever blowing bubbles

There is a new office block in my town well i say new its been here a while now but the council just cant find anyone to ocupy it. Anyway they have a number of water fountains outside .Its quite funny when i pull up at the trafic lights next to the fountains and there is young children running through them and standing on them getting competely soacked obviously have a fun time, but just down the road in the bus stop is mother franticaly shouting at her children.The funniest thing i saw at these fountains was what some local chav's had done. They had poured some detergant into the fountains and hey presto barrows own foam party. Im going to have to get a camera so i can post some pics